Hey, my book is available now!

Read an excerpt from The Autism Potty Training Parent Handbook right here, if you like!

One reason things have been a little quiet around here (insert cricket noise)…

I’ve been working on a book! It’s available now! (now insert hip hop airhorn noise)

It’s called The Autism Potty Training Parent Handbook. It’s packed with pretty much every tip I’ve ever shared on Instagram, plus a ton more. It lays out a step-by-step process for teaching toileting skills from start to finish, and has lots of troubleshooting advice and ways to individualize the process so it works best for your kid.

My goal in writing this book was to consolidate the strategies that research tells us work for neurodivergent kids, add in a ton of tips I’ve learned in practice over the years, and put it into a friendly, accessible format. (And honestly, to provide a neurodiversity-appropriate alternative to, uh, certain other books, ahem.)

You can find it on Amazon Canada or Amazon USA. (And, search your country’s Amazon site if you’re not in Canada or the US, as it’s available internationally).

Here’s Chapter 1 for you, if you’d like a sneak peek! Thanks for reading. :)

Chapter 1: How do I know if my kid is ready for this?

This is absolutely the number one question I get from the parents of autistic kids: how do I know if my child is ready to start potty training?  And boy, do I wish I had a quick and snappy answer.  But…it’s complicated.

First, there’s no specific age that’s been identified as the best time to start potty training for autistic kids.  In the research on this topic, autistic people have successfully learned toileting skills while they’re toddlers, adults, and every age in between.  It is never, ever too late.  If other priorities take over and you need to put potty training aside for a few months (or a few years), the research says you didn’t “miss the window” and it is still very possible to have success. 

And, lately, I’ve been hearing that parents are told they need to have their child fully potty trained before age three or it’s going to be next to impossible.  This is another piece of total baloney.  Again, there’s no magic age that’s the best time to start.

Relatedly, you may have heard that there are some prerequisites to potty training that all children should meet before they get started.  These are typically things like:

• being uncomfortable in soiled diapers

• wanting to sit on the toilet on their own

• saying they want to be a “big kid”

• asking to wear underwear

But, guess what? There's actually no research to support that these so-called “prerequisites” are necessary for kids to learn toileting skills. 

Sure, if your child is doing all these things, it’s a good sign they’re already super motivated to learn to use the toilet.  But by no means does your kid need to be doing all (or any) of these things before you get started.  Honestly, very, very few children I’ve worked with who’ve gone on to be super successful in learning toileting skills were doing any of these mythical “prerequisites” before we got started.

So, what are the real prerequisites?  Here are some key things to look for before you get started:

Your kid will sit on the toilet or potty, at least for a few minutes.  In other words, they are not extremely avoidant or fearful of the toilet or potty.

If your child does not yet do this, it's okay!  You can help them to become comfortable with the toilet or potty before you try to start potty training in earnest, by gently and gradually exposing them to it.  For example, they might first be asked to play near the potty, then actually touch it, then sit on it for just a second, then eventually work up to longer sittings. 

Note that to meet this prerequisite, your child doesn’t have to sit there for a few minutes staring into the abyss; you can totally engage with them and give them fun stuff to do while they sit on the potty or toilet (e.g., watching a show, reading a book, playing with slime on a tray table, whatever).  I’m just saying that they need to look relatively comfortable and not fearful at all.

Your child drinks and eats enough that they will pee at least a few times each day, and poop at least a few times each week.

If your child is not doing this, talk to their primary medical care provider about this issue and get some support on increasing your child's liquid and/or food intake before potty training.  If your child regularly suffers from constipation, it’s really important to find a way to address that prior to starting potty training.  This is primarily because constipation can often lead to pain while pooping, and if kids have painful poops on the potty, that can create a negative association where potty = pain.  This is a major potty training derailer, and an all-around crappy experience for the kid.

Your child doesn't have a medical condition that could present a barrier.  

Sometimes, learners with low muscle tone or another physiological complication can struggle to learn bladder and bowel control for medical reasons.  In that case, a medical approach may be needed for them to achieve full toileting success, though in many cases it’s still helpful to use a behavioural approach like this book describes.  Consult your child’s primary care provider for potty training advice if this may be the case. 

Your kid has mastered a few key foundational skills that could support potty learning.

I hesitate to include these things here, because the research shows these skills are not necessary for autistic children to learn toileting skills successfully.  However, I’ve noticed in my practice that these things are often associated with quick success.  Plus, some parents will tell me they just have a gut feeling their kid isn’t ready for full-fledged potty training and want to know if there are any skills they could work on developing that would support the potty training process later on.  These foundational skills that I believe can contribute to potty training success are:

• has the ability to pull underwear and pants up and down independently

• has a good general understanding of “First ____, then _____” (e.g., “First we put our shoes on, then we go outside.”)

• has generally strong requesting skills (i.e., the child is able to communicate basic wants and needs in any way – using words, pictures, an alternative-augmentative communication device, etc.)

• is able to follow instructions with a few steps (e.g., “Put the balls in the basket and bring it to me.”)

Again, these skills are not totally necessary to see major potty training success!  But if you want to know some foundational skills that may help, there you have it.

Relatedly, if your child is just starting a new therapy program, or you’re generally seeing some rapid development in terms of receptive language, requesting, and independence, it can be smart to hold off a few months and let those skills continue to emerge before starting potty training.  Development is wild in young kids!  They can be essentially a different person from one month to the next, and sometimes, waiting a little while longer to start potty training can make the process go a bit smoother.  All in all, a bit of parent intuition definitely plays into this knowing-when-to-start thing.

You, the parent(s), are super committed and ready to work on this.

This is actually the most important thing to consider.  Yep, surprise! The most important sign of ‘readiness’ for potty training isn’t about your kid at all.  It’s about you.  Gee, no pressure, right?

The approach you will learn in this book is really focused on making the process fun for your kid, but, in all honesty… it’s a lot of work for the parent. You have to be on the ball, bigtime, during the potty training hours, and able to focus completely on your kid (like, nary a single glance at Instagram) for at least for a few six-hour-straight days.  It’s tiring, it’s emotional, and you should really have another adult assisting you if at all possible (more on that later).

And, seriously: attitude is everything.  I have coached many parents who are preparing to teach toileting skills to their autistic kids.  I’ve noticed a very distinct pattern.

The number one predictor of how successful the child will be with potty training is the attitude of the parent(s), both prior to starting and throughout the process. 

Isn’t that something?  The number one predictor of success has nothing to do with anything about the child (e.g., their age, their communication abilities, any challenging behaviours they may engage in).  It is totally about whether the parents believe potty training success is possible for their kid, and are really willing to commit to hunkering down and working hard on it together. 

I’m hoping that the methods you’ll learn as you read on will help you feel prepared to take on potty training alongside your child with a really positive attitude.  You might find you’re just not in the headspace to do this right now, or in the near future.  Potty training goes best when parents are able to really prioritize it for a while and are able to convey the best vibes possible to their kid throughout the process.  Pick a time when you’re able to give it your best shot.  That might not be today, tomorrow, or this year.

Key points from this chapter:

• Research has not identified a specific age that’s best to start working on potty training with autistic kids. 

• It’s never too late to have success!  Don’t feel pressured to work on this when your child is super young if it’s not the right time for your family.

• It’s not necessary for kids to have so-called “prerequisites” to potty training like asking to use the potty or being uncomfortable in soiled diapers.  They can still totally be successful without doing any of these things ahead of time.

• There are a few factors that may contribute to your child doing well with potty training, like the ability to understand a “first ____, then ______” concept.

• The attitude of parents is a huge predictor of success with potty training.  Positive vibes are a must.